Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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