Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
