Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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