I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
