apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
