There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
