Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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