Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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