I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
