I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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