Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
