im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
