My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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