my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
