Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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