Your mouth is God's brothel.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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