so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
You smell like stripper and shame
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
