My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
