I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
