Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
