party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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