He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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