She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You are a genius and a whore.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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