Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
