My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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