so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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