How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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