I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
