I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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