I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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