i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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