i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
