Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
