Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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