Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
