I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
