I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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