please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
