I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
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