I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
