Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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