This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Randomize