You can't special order awesome
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
