i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Randomize
