forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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