So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
