Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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