I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
