Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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