"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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