My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
