I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
