So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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