You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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