Im at strip club and am horny
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
how does that bad decision feel?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize