Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
