I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
