you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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