this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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