M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
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